Coming Soon to a Library Nowhere Near You.

The following is the final — though as-of-yet not copy-edited — version of an  article I’ve spent the better part of the past year working on.   It was recently green-lit for publication by Young Scholars in Writing, currently based out of the University of Missouri-Kansas City.  As far as I know, they’re the only journal in North America with a focus on undergraduate research in rhetoric.  The article will appear in YSW 10, due out this coming February.  Until then, you can check out some of their back-issues here.

Special thanks go to Dr. Brian Turner at the University of Winnipeg for encouraging me to revise an earlier essay for publication.  Thanks also go out to David Elder, my editor/advisor on this one and an all-around decent human being, as well as Dr. Jane Greer, Dr. Annette Vee, and the rest of the YSW editors and reviewers who contributed to the final product you’re about to read.  You know, if you’ve got some time to read.  No pressure.


Social Media and the ‘Perpetual Project’ of Ethos Construction

Borrowing from both classical rhetoric and new media studies, this article contributes to the ongoing project of defining ethos by considering the concept as it applies to social media platforms. The contrasting views of two early Greek thinkers (Aristotle and Isocrates) provide a basis for the consideration of social media profiles as sites of ethos construction. Four key aspects of social media profiles – richness, co-authorship, availability and indestructibility – are then discussed, which highlight how these profiles are similar though necessarily distinct from other forms of online communication, deserving of analysis as unique rhetorical artifacts. A discussion on the impact of current social media practices on the future of ‘ethos construction’ in public life, especially in political and legal spheres, then follows.


Just as rhetoric and composition is currently confronted with the complexity of writing, rhetorical studies is in the process of trying to determine just what rhetoric would be in our current cultural situation. The ancient civic space that led to the emergence of rhetoric has been replaced by contemporary network space. In its place, however, are few rhetorical theories that adequately address the complexities of this new social space. (Hawk 145)

Throughout the history of rhetorical studies, theorists have struggled to define ‘credibility’, its role and function in rhetorical performance. From the early Greek philosophers onwards, scholars have espoused differing ideas on what credibility is, how it is conveyed by a rhetor to an audience, and when it is appropriate to do so. It is a topic of lively and continuous scholastic debate – indeed, the only point theorists seem to agree on is this: in any rhetorical situation, a speaker’s perceived credibility is one of the strongest appeals available to them. If the audience believes the rhetor to be a person of ‘good character’, then that rhetor’s views will be accepted more readily by their audience.

Among the classical Greeks, it is Aristotle whose views have been most widely circulated and generally accepted in rhetorical studies. However, even amongst Aristotle’s contemporaries, this definition of ethos has always been questioned. Other Greek thinkers offered up quite different views on speaker credibility, views which have not taken root in the minds of rhetoricians to the same degree.

We might ask, then, ‘How well does Aristotle’s understanding of ethos hold up in the modern world, when the practice of rhetoric is so vastly different from that of his time’? As the epigraph of this paper suggests, we live and operate in a wholly different communicative environment than that of the classical Greeks. Surely, contemporary audiences have far greater access to information regarding a rhetor’s ‘credibility’ than would have ever been possible – perhaps even imaginable – in Aristotle’s time. The advent of the Internet (especially those technologies termed ‘social media’) allows users to catalogue virtually every detail of their lives – their thoughts, memories, values, achievements and embarrassments – almost in real time. The advent of such technologies marks a dramatic change in the ways people communicate, interact and engage rhetorically with the world around them. If rhetoric is the study of discourse, it follows that a change in the means of discourse necessitates a change in rhetorical theory.

This paper seeks to problematize the dominant classical and contemporary Aristotelian understanding of ethos as an appeal limited to a particular rhetorical artifact. To do so, I will examine the statements of one of Aristotle’s contemporaries, Isocrates, whose views on ethos contrast starkly with those of Aristotle. Following this, the ways in which modern communicative revolutions (particularly, social media) have further complicated an Aristotelian understanding of character will be discussed. Throughout, I will argue that the advent of social media requires a shift away from the Aristotelian understanding of ethos, and call upon rhetoricians – students, theorists, rhetorical critics and critical rhetoricians alike – to consider the construction of ethos in contemporary culture as a ‘perpetual project’; that is, as an appeal which is not limited to a particular artifact, but constructed over the course of a rhetor’s lifetime. Such an understanding of ethos proves useful to contemporary theorists, critics and practitioners of rhetoric as it allows us to consider how a rhetor’s previously constructed character can – and necessarily, does – affect an audience’s response to current and future performances. Having argued these points, I consider the potential impact of social media and this ‘perpetual project’ of ethos construction on two fields which are inextricably linked to the study of rhetoric – politics and law.

Ethos: A Definitional Quagmire

Before going further, it would be prudent to define our terms. One of the first difficulties encountered in any discussion of ethos is the hazy, nebulous nature of the term – it seems to mean something different in every context. This nebulousness can in part be attributed to the etymological origins of the word; ethos can be translated into English as either “character”, “custom”, “habit”, or “folkways” (Jarratt and Reynolds 42); alternatively, it can even be translated as “a habitual gathering-place” (Halloran 60). However, here I advance another, less obvious explanation for this lexical confusion: I believe the term ethos has come to function in rhetorical studies as an “ideograph”, an argument contained within a single word. In defining the ideograph, Mcgee writes:

Though words only (and not claims), such terms as ‘property,’ ‘religion,’…and ‘liberty’ are more pregnant than propositions ever could be. They are the basic structural elements, the building blocks, of ideology. Thus they may be thought of as ‘ideographs,’ for, like Chinese symbols, they signify and ‘contain’ a unique ideological commitment; further, they presumptuously suggest that each member of a community will see as a gestalt every complex nuance in them (428).

Though in the article cited above, McGee was primarily concerned with how these ‘single-word arguments’ effected political control in society, his term can be applied self-reflexively to the study of rhetoric to consider how ideographs function within the discipline. Ethos (as it is conventionally understood) generally refers to an Aristotelian notion of the word: as an appeal based on the ‘good character’ of a rhetor at a given moment (this understanding will be discussed in the section below). However the term, like ‘liberty’ or ‘freedom’, is one with variegated meanings, a long definitional history, and prone to being conjured up in discussions or scholarly articles without proper attention being given to what the author understands the phrase to mean. Ethos, I argue here, acts as an ideograph in rhetorical studies – a term which is dense in meaning, difficult to unpack, and one which goes far too often uninterrogated.

Of course, several theorists have offered up specific definitions of ethos – its functions, roles, scope, and so forth. Two contrasting definitions will be discussed in the following section, but they are by no means a representative sample. The sheer multitude of these definitions adds to the difficulty inherent in any discussion of ethos. Indeed, any attempt made here to catalogue definitions of ethos would prove unsuccessful and, for our purposes here, superfluous. Therefore, except where stated otherwise, throughout this paper the term ethos will be used in the most conventional, generally acceptable sense: to describe an appeal made by a rhetor to an audience, based on the rhetor’s ‘credibility’ or ‘good character’ as perceived by that audience.

Early Thinkers on Rhetor Credibility
Aristotle was – and still is – inarguably one of the most influential thinkers in the rhetorical canon; his thoughts on ethos, character, and the appropriate means of building credibility have been given a great deal of confidence. In Rhetoric, Aristotle states his belief that the ethos of a speaker is established during a speech, and is limited to that speech. In his words,

[Persuasion occurs] through character [ethos] whenever the speech is spoken in such a way as to make the speaker worthy of credence…and this should result from the speech, not from a previous opinion that the speaker is a certain kind of person; for it is not the case… that fair-mindedness on the part of the speaker makes no contribution to persuasiveness; rather, character is almost, so to speak, the controlling factor in persuading (On Rhetoric 1356a4, italics mine).

This passage is important because it shows not only where Aristotle believes the appropriate domain of ethos lies, but also where it does not. For Aristotle, ethical appeal is not established through the audience’s prior knowledge or “previous opinion” of a rhetor’s actions or deeds. In other words, each new speech is a blank slate, where ethos can (and must) be established anew.

Students of rhetoric will no doubt be familiar with this understanding of ethos – Aristotle’s concepts of ethos, pathos, and logos are among of the first (if not the first) rhetorical concepts students are introduced to in the academy. Further, this understanding of ethos can often be assumed (that is, to function ideographically) when alternative definitions are not explicitly stated; this is what we talk about when we discuss the ethos of Churchill’s wartime speeches, or the ethos created in Justin Trudeau’s eulogy for his father (Whalen 11). Whether owing to the legacy of neo-Aristotelian scholarship or to some other confluence of factors, the Aristotelian understanding of ethos remains firmly entrenched in the minds of rhetoricians today.

A reading of Aristotle’s contemporaries, however, shows that this view of ethos has been disputed since its first pronouncement. Isocrates, a contemporary (and very likely, rival) of Aristotle (Benoit 251), offers a very different understanding of the production of ethical appeal. In Antidosis, a dialogue which precedes Aristotle’s Rhetoric, Isocrates writes:

The man who wishes to persuade people will not be negligent as to the matter of character [ethos]; no, on the contrary, he will apply himself above all to establish a most honorable name among his fellow-citizens; for who does not know that words carry greater conviction when spoken by men of good repute than when spoken by men who live under a cloud, and that the argument which is made by a man’s life is more weighty than that which is furnished by words? (278, italics mine).

In this passage, we see that Isocrates did not regard ethos as an appeal limited to a given rhetorical artifact; the appeal of ‘good character’ was an “argument… made by a man’s life”. The rhetor who wishes to be persuasive must not only craft ethos within a speech, but must establish for themselves “a most honourable name among [their] fellow-citizens”. “Elsewhere in the Antidosis,” Benoit notes,

[Isocrates’] meaning becomes unmistakable when he declares that probabilities and proofs… support only the points in a case to which they are severally applied, whereas an honourable reputation not only lends greater persuasiveness to the words of the man who possesses it, but adds greater luster to his deeds, and is, therefore, more zealously to be sought after…than anything else in the world (257).

Further valuable insights into the contrasting views of Isocrates and Aristotle are offered by Michael J. Hyde, who summarizes the Isocratic position quite succinctly when he writes

that, “for Isocrates…[the orator’s] presence and rhetorical competence are a ‘showing-forth’ (epi-deixis) of an ethos, a principled self, that instructs the moral consciousness and actions of others… it is a person’s character itself, his stellar reputation, that anchors the persuasive capacity of rhetoric” (Hyde xv).

By contrast, Aristotle “associates ethos not primarily with the orator’s reputation for being such a [virtuous] soul but rather with the actual rhetorical competence displayed in the orator’s discourse” (Hyde xv). For Aristotle, ethos is conveyed through rhetorical competence in a given moment. For Isocrates, ethos is not so much ‘constructed’ in the speech as it is ‘shown-forth’ or made apparent to the audience based on the ‘true’ character of the individual. We see, then, that even in the time predating Rhetoric, an Aristotelian understanding of ethos – though still a cornerstone of early rhetorical education and rhetorical scholarship to this day– has never been accepted universally, and always been somewhat problematic. In the following section, I intend to show how technological developments have only served to problematize this understanding further.

Social Media and Character Construction

The shortcomings of an Aristotelian understanding of ethos are made evident when considering modern communications technology. As Barbara Warnick writes, “Prior to the growth of the World Wide Web and other new media forms, there was consensus… about the nature and functions of credibility. The credibility of a message was judged primarily according to attributes of the message source, especially expertise, reputation, believability, and trustworthiness” (46). However, she notes, “…this way of proceeding is frequently problematic when applied to online environments” (Warnick 46). The Internet has fundamentally changed the way human beings interact and communicate. Where once an audience would be incapable of making ‘character’ judgments on rhetors they did not know personally or who had not developed a public reputation (one could argue that Aristotle stressed the importance of developing ethos within a speech primarily for this reason), today we find a different case entirely.

Social media is surely one of the more interesting aspects of the Internet for rhetorical analysis. For the purposes of this paper, I define ‘social media’ as any online website or application which is designed specifically for the purpose of social interaction; ‘Facebook’ and ‘Twitter’ are popular contemporary examples. Social media allow users to create online ‘profiles’ for themselves, then interact with other users; share photos, chat with one another, plan events and gatherings, send messages, post videos, and so on. Of course, theorists have already explored how individuals interact through other forms of digital communication such as blogs (Baron 2009), e-books (Laquintano 2010), and online forums (Grabill & Pigg 2012), but little work has yet to focus on the ‘social media profile’ as a distinct subject of study. Before going further, then, a more detailed understanding of these ‘profiles’ is necessary if we are to distinguish them from other forms of online communication.

A social media ‘profile’ (perhaps better described as a ‘front-end interface’) requires a significant amount of input from the user; as such, they can be understood as texts authored by that user. However, it must be remembered that the user is not the sole author of this text; the purpose of these social media sites is, after all, to allow other users to view, respond to, and otherwise modify elements of an individual’s profile. For example, the user profile of Facebook (formerly known as the ‘Wall’, though recently replaced by the ‘Timeline’) can include not only basic information, such as age, location, occupation, interests, found in the‘About’ section, controlled directly by the user, but also written messages from others in their social network, pictures and images of the user, and other information related to their activities and interactions on the social network.  Thus, the user’s profile is a co-authored work, a text authored by the input of both the user and their audience (although arguably, the profile’s creator must be considered the ‘primary author’).*

Social media profiles also contain a wealth of information about the user – they can and do often hint at or even explicitly state their values, beliefs, opinions and ideals – and this information is gathered over a long period of time. As such, these profiles can be considered very rich texts regarding a user’s beliefs, opinions and values – how that person interacts with others, what upsets them, what pleases them, how they handle various social situations, and so forth. In many cases, a user’s profile offers up enough information for a reasonable person (or audience) to make judgments on the profile creator’s ‘character’.

In these two ways, social media profiles are distinct from other forms of online communication; their co-authored nature distinguishes them from forms such as the blog or e-book, where the individual user can still exercise considerable authoritative and editorial autonomy, and their richness as texts which speak to character precludes the relative anonymity often found (and perhaps encouraged) in online forums and chat-rooms. In sum, these first two points suggest that social media profiles deserve consideration as distinct rhetorical artifacts.

In addition, as far as ethos is concerned, it is important to note that the ‘texts’ produced by social media users are widely, publicly, and near-constantly accessible (either as a whole, or certain elements). This means that any audience wishing to view a user’s social media profile in order to gauge their ‘character’ may do so. The accessibility and availability of these profiles is significant when considering their potential impact on the construction of ethos. While this type of ‘accessibility’ is a quality of most forms of online communication, it is still a key aspect in analyzing social media.

A final, oft ignored point about social media is that the information which has been uploaded to a social networking site is archived, and can be stored digitally in several locations. Even if the author later decides to edit, retract or delete elements of their profile, the earlier, unedited state of their profile can be cached in several different locations (whether that be through first-party archiving by the service itself, third-party digital archives, screen images saved to a personal computer, etc.). While it is true that any retracted elements are no longer easily accessible by the public, it is more likely than not that they do still exist, and can be recovered by anyone with the means and will to do so. They are, in this sense, ‘indestructible texts’.

In sum, the four crucial aspects of social media and their relation to ethos are their richness as texts which speak to character, their co-authored nature, their exceptional availability, and their virtual indestructibility. I argue in the following sections for potential changes to our understanding of ethos based on these four aspects. The arguments posed in the following sections seek to correct the shortcomings of the Aristotelian model’s applicability to social media and to allow fuller consideration of the perpetual project of ethos construction online.

* Before moving on, it should be pointed out that while media theorists (such as Marshall McLuhan, or more recently Ben McCorkle) have long argued that the form of media necessarily effects the communication which takes place through it, and certainly the same could case could be made concerning social media, a larger discussion of how social media platforms themselves act as another ‘author’ by influencing the communication of users is beyond the scope of this paper.

Prospective Changes to our Understanding of Ethos

In his work on network media culture, Byron Hawk warns against “[s]imply applying rhetorical systems developed in the context of ancient Greece to our contemporary period”, as this is an inadequate response to a changing cultural environment (146). This is certainly true for the concept of ethos. As discussed above, social media profiles serve as rich texts, easily accessible by the audience, and containing enough information to allow for judgments of a user’s ‘character’. Contemporary audiences now – or very shortly, will – have access to at least two different texts simultaneously which speak to a rhetor’s ethos: the speech, (or other rhetorical artifact), and the rhetor’s social media presence. This is, of course, counter to Aristotle’s assertion that ethos is constructed solely within a given speech.

Much of the previous discussion has addressed social media in a more general sense. However, from this point forward the author has a specific demographic in mind – young social media users. Though quantitative research suggests that younger social media users (at least, in America) are ‘more active’ in controlling and maintaining the character they present online (Madden & Smith 2010), this research does not consider, qualitatively, the kind of public image these users seek to create. The underlying presumption of the discussions which follow is that, in the absence of other motivating factors, younger social media users are primarily concerned with establishing a certain character for an audience of friends and peers, and not necessarily on the construction of alternative, more ‘professional’ ethos. This premise will be elaborated upon below.

While we are now entering somewhat underexplored rhetorical territory, here I put forward two potential impacts of current social media practices on the study of ethos. First, because the audience can (and likely may) assess a rhetor’s credibility based on their online presence, social media should be considered by the rhetor as an element in the perpetual project of constructing their ethos. Second, this ethos presented online, which is under constant development and evolution, must nevertheless be made congruent with the ethos presented in other rhetorical performances. When interviewing for a job, for example, one may present the image of a professional, composed, very employable candidate; however if the employer makes a quick scan of Facebook and finds a wholly different presentation of character, one is not likely to receive a job offer. Incongruencies between the ethos projected through social media and through other rhetorical performances may make the rhetor appear duplicitous, even dishonest, to their audience.

Admittedly, the job interview example above is somewhat banal. In order to more fully develop these two points, let us consider two other fields linked inseparably with rhetorical studies: politics and law.

Social Media, Ethos, and Politics

It is often the case that politicians are chastised for ‘saying one thing and then doing another’. However more and more frequently, politicians are now being chastised for ‘saying one thing and then saying another.’ In the modern age, when it is easier than ever for voting citizens to learn a politician’s previously stated position on any given issue, a political reversal or ‘flip-flop’ is relatively simple to detect. For a recent example of this, we may look to Newt Gingrich, the prominent Republican politician and then-presidential hopeful who, when asked what he would do as President during the Libyan revolution on March 7, 2011 said, “[e]xercise a no-fly zone this evening, communicate to the Libyan military that Qaddafi was gone and that the sooner they switch sides, the more likely they were to survive…This is a moment to get rid of [Qadaffi]. Do it. Get it over with”, and then forcefully argued that President Obama was wrong for imposing said ‘no-fly zone’ on March 23, just over two weeks later: “I think that two wars in Iraq and Afghanistan is a lot … I would not have intervened. I think there were a lot of other ways to affect Qaddafi. I think there are a lot of allies in the region we could have worked with. I would not have used American and European forces.” (Morrill). For a politician to appear to be ‘waffling’ or ‘flip-flopping’ obviously has the potential to have a negative impact on their credibility. It is difficult, if not impossible, to project an image of trustworthiness if one appears to waver on issues which they have already taken firm stances on, and defended with seeming conviction. When audiences recognize that a politician has made contradictory statements, with no apparent explanation for their change in opinion, it is often seen by the audience as a deceit, and not reflective of the politician’s ‘true beliefs’.

Just as the advent of reliable recording technologies (audiotape, cameras, etc.) has allowed audiences to accurately recall a politician’s previous statements on issues, so too will social media have an impact on politics in those cultures in which its usage is prevalent. It is not inconceivable that, among the millions of young adults who now maintain a social media presence (often from the time of their mid-teens), some will seek political office in the future. When this happens, these individual’s social media profiles will come under heavy scrutiny; the higher the elected office the greater scrutiny to be expected. All of the information which has been submitted to the social network – comments, pictures, status updates, and the like – can be made available not only to a public eager to learn more about a candidate’s personal beliefs, convictions, personality, etc., but also to political opponents who may wish to study these texts for anything which might diminish the user’s ‘reputation’ or ‘good character’ among the electorate. In the Canadian federal election of 2011, Alan Saldanha, a candidate for the Green Party in British Columbia, was forced to drop out of the race once news reports surfaced that his Facebook profile included the phrase, “If rape is inevitable, lie back and enjoy it!,” among his ‘favourite quotations’ (Hall). In this case, we find that the character presented on Mr. Saldanha’s Facebook page was not in keeping with the ethos he sought to project as a politician, and this proved devastating to his political ambitions. Already, then, we can observe the impact of social media on the perceived credibility of politicians, a trend which can be expected to continue. Politicians will no doubt need to contend with the growing impact of social media on the production of ethical appeal. The impact of current social media practices will be substantial, though still manageable; considering one’s ethos as a perpetual project may be one means of doing so. However, as will be discussed below, the impact of social media on the institution of law is far more problematic.

Social Media, Ethos, and Law

One of the fundamental elements of the common law (as it is practiced in Canada, the United Kingdom, the United States, etc.) is the concept of an impartial judiciary. In order to render judgment on any issue, judges and Justices must appear unbiased, to act as dispassionate adjudicators of conflict between parties. This principle is encapsulated in the legal maxim

nemo judex sua causa: Literally, no one shall be the judge in his own cause. [This] means that where judges have an interest in the outcome of particular cases, they should not sit in judgment in them, since they are not expected to be able to divorce their own self-interest from the merits of the cases (Horner 294, italics original).

Whenever a judge has a ‘vested interest’ in the outcome of a case, that judge is obligated to withdraw themselves from hearing that case. If a judge or Justice does not reveal this conflict of interest, and that conflict comes to light after their decision has been rendered, that decision can be appealed and a new trial ordered. It is not even necessary for a true conflict of interest to have existed; for “[t]he rule is that judges may not sit in judgment where a ‘reasonably informed bystander’ might reasonably perceive bias— that is, where there is a reasonable apprehension of bias, whether it actually exists or not” (Horner 294, italics mine). In numerous cases, common law judges the world over have upheld the principle that ‘for justice to be done, it must be seen to be done’.

This ‘impartiality of the judiciary’ has always been a philosophically troublesome concept. Judges do not simply sprout from the soil – they are human beings, and no human being can ever be considered wholly impartial. However, the judiciary is still expected to maintain (at least the appearance of) neutrality. In Canada as in many Western democracies, judges and Justices are not permitted to speak out on controversial issues outside of the courtroom, be members of or donors to political parties, or attend political meetings. In Canada, prior to the adoption of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, high-ranking Justices were not even allowed to vote (Horner 295). The ‘judicial ethos’, then, can be described as one of ‘neutrality’: judges and Justices are to occupy an impartial and unbiased position from which they can decide issues of law objectively, based on the facts and circumstances of each individual case before them.

The advent of social media tremendously complicates the ideal of the independent judiciary. Just as it can safely be assumed that some users of social media may one day run for political office, so too will some opt for careers in law, and eventually be considered as potential members of the judiciary. But then the question must be asked, “does the social media presence of the prospective judge correspond with the ideal of an ‘independent’ judiciary”? Do previous statements or images correspond with the ‘neutral’ and ‘objective’ role which will be expected of them as a judge? If not, should that candidate still be considered qualified to rule on legal cases? Could their decisions be appealed due to ‘conflict of interest’ or ‘reasonably perceivable bias’ based on claims made through social media prior to their acceptance to the judiciary?

The dilemma of social media as it relates to law would be far simpler were it possible to simply delete one’s social media presence entirely. However, as mentioned earlier, this is a difficult if not impossible task. While certain information can be removed from one particular website or another, it will almost assuredly be archived in several other locations – more difficult to find than before, but not altogether eliminated, still potentially accessible by those with the knowledge and desire to access it. Obviously, a generation of young social media users who will one day form the judiciary is extremely problematic for the legal system (tangentially related issues are currently being examined in the judicial inquiry of Justice Lori Douglas determining her eligibility to remain on the bench [CBC News]) Ultimately, these problems will likely be settled by the courts themselves; the findings of the Douglas inquiry will undoubtedly become legal precedent for similar cases in the future, at least in the Canadian context. Exactly how these issues will be addressed remains to be seen.


Arguably, social media is a new development in communication, and one which remains largely undertheorized in rhetorical studies. In researching this article, the author found that far more research existed on topics such as Usenet groups or CD-ROMS – subjects which were recently considered ‘new’, yet now seem almost archaic. As such, there appears to be some reticence on the part of rhetoricians to engage with ‘new’ developments such as social media, for fear that this research will all-too-soon be considered anachronistic. Scholars who have written on ‘new’ developments in rhetoric and communication have frequently been frustrated by the rapid rate of change in communication technologies. However, I believe that such work is still important; rhetorical theorists must not resign themselves to working with ‘tested and true’ concepts alone. To do so is to allow rhetorical theory to remain forever , out-of-sync with new developments in rhetorical practice and culture.

Due to the absence of much scholarship on the construction of ethos through social media, the arguments and conclusions presented in this paper are necessarily tentative and exploratory, a jumping-off point for further discussions. I have suggested an alternative to the conventional Aristotelian understanding of ethos, one which understands character development as a perpetual project rather than an appeal contained within one specific rhetorical artifact. This understanding of ethos-as-perpetual-project, built upon the Isocratic understanding of credibility-from-prior-knowledge, allows for a broader interpretation of ethos, which in turn permits consideration of how ethos is constructed through current social media practices. Further, this essay has identified some key components of social media profiles which make them a meaningful site of rhetorical analysis – as rich, co-authored, publicly accessible, and relatively ‘indestructible’ texts – as well as some potential problems facing the fields of politics and law due to current social media practices. It is my sincere hope that rhetorical theory will continue to engage with new developments in cultural practice, that we may use the knowledge and practice of the past to offer greater insights into the present (and the future) of public discourse.


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*Originally published in Juice Magazine, September 2011*
Most nights, when I came home, Nikki would be there. Usually, she’d be sitting on the couch in her underwear, looking through photographs. It was summertime, and the apartment would be roasting. But she never opened the windows. When I came through the door, I would head straight for the windows and open them, then go and sit down beside her.
“Do you like them?” she would ask.
“Yeah, they’re great,” I’d lie. Nikki considered herself a photographer. She took pictures of streets and train yards and people she liked. The pictures were not very good but she worked very hard at them, and I think sometimes that should be enough.
“Mhmm,” I would say, pointing at a photo, “especially this one. I mean, these came out great!”
Then she would smile and put the photos away. After that, if we were both feeling lazy and the fridge was running low, we’d order a pizza and I would go across the street to pick it up. When I came back, the apartment would be a little cooler and Nikki would be dressed and we would eat in front of the television. A little while after dinner, Nikki would ask:
“Do you think we’re stuck in a rut?”
I would think about it for a second. “No, I don’t think so.”
“I hope not. I don’t want for us to get boring.”
“Are you bored?”
“No…I worry about it though. I don’t want us to be bored, because then we’ll break up.”
“Well, we’re not stuck in a rut.”
“I know.” It would be quiet for a minute. Then, “Babe?”
“You’re not just saying that, right?”
“Of course not, no! Nooo, I love ya.”
“Really really. Same as I always have, since the day that I met you.”
Nikki would look down, wiggle her toes a little. “You always say that.”
“And I always mean it!” Then I’d wrap an arm around her and say, “I love you, Nikki. Okay? I love you I love you I love you, a whole whole lot.”
Nikki would smile. “Okay. I love you too. And you don’t think we’re stuck in a rut?”
“We’re not stuck in a rut.”
“I hope not,” she’d say, “sometimes I just worry.”
We had that conversation once, sometimes twice a week.

*  *  *

It hadn’t always been like this. I first met her at a noisy little bar on the east side of town. It was a birthday party in late November. She came in with another girl who looked familiar. The bar was dark and crowded, and I only caught glimpses of her at first. She was thin and very lovely, with curly brown hair and a deep, natural looking tan, as though she had been away for a while. At some point I saw her step outside onto the patio with a cigarette. I waited for a minute and a half – I wanted our meeting to look accidental – then joined her outside.
“Are you here for the party?” I asked, lighting up my cigarette.
“Which one?”
I looked through the patio’s glass door and pointed to the table. “That one.” She leaned in towards the window, peering through. Her eyes were light brown and shaped like almonds.
“You mean Don’s?”
“Yeah,” I said. She nodded.
“So how do you know Don?” I asked.
“Oh, I don’t, really. I came here with Laura, we work together at the Portsmouth.”
“You’re a barmaid?”
“We actually prefer ‘bartender’.”
“Sorry,” I said.
She laughed and shrugged. “I don’t mind. What about you?”
“Don and I took some classes together in university.”
“Yeah? What’d you take?”
It was a banal conversation, but I didn’t mind. It felt good to be alone with her. And then suddenly, I got very nervous – not because I was talking with a beautiful girl, but because I knew that soon she would ask me The Question. The Question was simple enough, but I always had a hard time answering it, and I knew that when I tried, her eyes would glaze over and our conversation would be over. Sure enough, a moment later, she asked me:
“So what do you do?”
“You mean for money?”
She nodded, yes. I took a long drag of my cigarette, now nearly finished. “Nothing special.”

“Oooh,” she drew her lips together, smirking, “how mysteriousof you.”

I laughed. “No, it’s not like that. It’s just boring, is all.”
“Well? Go ahead. Bore me.”
“You sure?”
She nodded. I felt around my pockets for another cigarette, and pulled out my Pall Mall Reds.
“Could I bum one of those?” she asked. I handed her one, then pulled out another for myself.
“I work for a company that does document storage.”
“What’s that? Like, a warehouse?”
“Sort of.” I hoped that she would drop the subject. Instead she just stood there, waiting. Well, I thought, here goes:
“According to the law,” I started, “every business has to keep their personnel records for at least seven years after the date they were signed, or last updated. Contracts, written complaints, performance reviews, all that – anything you sign at work, anything with your name on it, they have to keep for seven years.”
“Well, in case you decide to sue them, or something like that.”
“Does that happen very often?”
I shook my head. “Not really, but that’s the law. Anyways, over seven years, those documents pile up, especially if you’re a big company with a lot of employees. And since most of those documents are about people who don’t even work there any more, most companies can’t be bothered holding onto them. So they pay people like us to do it for them. We hold on to all these old papers, and once they turn seven years old, we destroy them.”
“Destroy them?”
“Yup. Shred ‘em.”
It was quiet for a moment. Then, she looked up at me. “You practice that, don’t you?”
“That whole thing, about your job. It sounds rehearsed.”
I shook my head. “No. Not really.”
“Maybe a little.”
She laughed. “I’m Nikki,” she said.
“Hi, Nikki.”
We talked for a bit longer and after that we went back inside. The band was noisy and terrible that night, and I didn’t get a chance to see Nikki again. A few weeks later I saw her at another friend’s party, and this time I managed to get her number. I got to know a lot about Nikki after that. I learned how she loves summer, but hates spring, and how her middle name is Catherine and she wishes that it wasn’t, and how she lost her virginity when she was fourteen and that she likes to smoke cigarettes from countries she’s never visited. She had been new back then, thrilling, and we were happy together.
Maybe she’s still happy. I don’t know.

*  *  *

My father got me the job, when I finished university and nothing else was coming up. I figured it would be short-term; that was two years ago. Most days, I didn’t mind it. Every morning I would come in, and there would be a freshly printed list of files sitting on my desk. The list showed all the files that were expiring that day, and where to find them. Most of my day was spent walking through the storage complex, with its endless rows and columns of tall gray filing cabinets, looking for files, tossing them in carts, and bringing them back to my desk. Then, I’d double check, make sure I had the right ones, and send them through the shredder. Mostly, I was paid for the things I didn’t do – I was valuable because I didn’t try to steal anything, or sell one company’s information to their competitors. It was mind-numbing work, sure, but it paid very well, and over two years I had come up with a few ways to kill the time. One thing I liked to do was read the names off my list, and try to imagine what kind of face that person had. I would read their names aloud as I walked.
“Terrence Updike, Borland Corp.” Terrence, I decided, was a stocky, round-faced man in his late thirties. He had a hooked nose that he broke as a child, flattening it to his face. Underneath his nose, the beginning of a moustache was sprouting. God, he was ugly. I moved down to the next name.
“Erin Krishner, Sierratech Industries.” Erin wore large, square-rimmed glasses to distract people from what was – in his opinion – a nose too large for his face. Other than that, he had no real distinguishing features, thin lips, and noticeable dandruff in the winter. Satisfied, I read the next name.
“Emily Vaughn, Digital Imagery.” I thought about this one. Emily Vaughn. That’s perfect. She would have sandy blonde hair, very straight, and her eyes would be blue. I figure that when she smiles (which is often) little creases form around her nose. Emily Vaughn. I liked that name. It had some poetry to it. I spent a long time working on the details of her face. When I was finished, she looked quite beautiful, and I wondered if I was just remembering someone I’d already met before. The feeling soon passed.
“Sylvia Mynarski, Atlear Group.” Now Sylvia, she…

*  *  *

A few days later I was deciding whether Janet Vickars’s chin should be pointed or squared when the name came back into my mind. Emily Vaughn. It kept coming back all afternoon and into the evening when I got home. Each time, I would see her face again, the face I had made for her. At least, I thought I had made it. Maybe I had seen her before – she was so familiar – but I couldn’t remember where. It was funny, and it nagged at me. I wanted to know for sure.
That night, I opened up my laptop and logged onto Facebook. In the search bar, I typed ‘Emily Vaughn’ and hit ‘ENTER’. The search came back with Emily’s, dozens of them. I clicked through the first few results – none of them looked like the girl I was thinking of. Where was it she worked? I mulled it over, trying to remember. Was it ‘image’? It had an ‘image’ in it. I searched again, this time typing ‘Emily Vaughn image’. And there she was, the very first hit.
This Emily looked very much as I had imagined her, except that her skin was fairer and her hair was a lighter shade of blonde. She wore a black dress in her profile picture, posing with some other girls. She was stunning, really. Her profile said she had worked for ‘Digital Imagery’ for a few years now. It was definitely the girl whose name I had seen on the file. But had I met her before?
I kept looking. She had hundreds of photos, and I spent a few minutes going through them. She was always smiling, always happy. I saw her on vacations, and at parties and at home with the family for Christmas. After the photos, I read her Bio, and her Favourite Movies, and her Hobbies and her Interests and her Favourite Music and Books. I soon realized that I couldn’t possibly have known her – she lived in the States and we had zero Mutual Friends. Still, after going through her profile, I felt like I knew more about her than I knew about Nikki after three months of seeing each other. She was much more open about her life.
I found my way back to Emily’s Wall, and began reading the messages there. Some were very long, but most were short. The most recent of them read:
“i went to see your parents today. i tried to cheer them up but they still miss you. we all do. you were a great friend and a truly amazing person and i hope i see you again someday. ily”
I scrolled down and read another. It read, “Emily, when God took you away, I was angry for a long time. I didn’t know why He could take someone like you away. Now that its been awhile Ive seen that He has a plan for us, and I know you looking down on us from up there. Rest in Peace.”
Another simply read, “Emily Sara Vaughn March 25 1982 – July 16 2004. RIP”. I read the posts for a long time. When I was done, I closed the laptop and tried to fall asleep. Nikki snored quietly beside me.

*  *  *

A few days went by, and Nikki was in the apartment again. The sun was just setting, and the apartment was baking. I ordered some Thai food for dinner and went to pick it up. When I left, Nikki was on the couch in a tank top, flipping through channels trying to find a movie we hadn’t already seen. When I came back, she was lying down with her eyes closed.
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
“No.” She sat up when she said it. The TV had been switched off. We ate dinner, saying very little. It was very quiet in the apartment. Sometimes an ambulance would blare past on the street below. At some point I turned on the TV, but it was still very quiet. Finally, Nikki spoke:
“Why do you lie to me about my pictures?”
“Why, what do you mean?”
“You don’t like them.”
“Sure I do. Why, what is this?”
“Sarah texted me. She told me you said they’re no good.”
“When you were getting the pizza.”
“I didn’t see Sarah.”
“No! That’s when she texted me. She heard you say it last weekend.”
“Laura’s party.”
“I didn’t talk to Laura there.”
“You weren’t talking to her, you were talking to Alex.”
“Oh. Well I didn’t see her there,” I said absently. Nikki didn’t respond, she just stared out the window with her jaw clenched tight. “Which one is Laura again?”
“My friend, Laura. You’ve met her before.”
“…Is she blonde?”
“Fuck you.”
“What?” I asked. Nikki had gotten up now. She was picking her clothes up off the floor.
“You heard what I said, I said…fuck…you! I introduce you to my friends, you talk to them, and then you don’t even remember them, ever. It’s like you’re trying to….I mean, why don’t you care?”
She put on her socks, then her shirt, and now she was wiggling into a pair of jeans. I thought it was funny, how the socks went on first. She kept on talking, snatching things up off the floor.
“…and they’re important to me. So, when you act like you don’t care about them, it’s like you’re saying that you don’t care about me. You know?”
I sat up on the couch. “How come you put your socks on before your pants?”
Nikki turned around. She had all of her clothes on now. “What?”
“Nothing, no. I just thought it was funny, how you put your socks on before anything else.”
Nikki looked at me for what felt like a long time. Then she said, “Go to Hell!” and walked out of the room. When she was gone, I stood up and put the rest of the Thai food in the fridge. Then, I sat down on the couch and checked my email. While I was there, I logged onto Facebook and changed my Relationship Status to Single. It was as simple as that.

*  *  *

A letter:

JULY 16, 2004


You are receiving this letter as a reminder re: our Company’s ‘Time Off Policies’. Employees are expected to notify their Supervisor(s) as soon as possible if, for any reason, they will be absent from work. In some cases, your Supervisor(s) may request a doctor’s note or other documentation to verify the reasons for absence.

This office’s records indicate that you have been absent from work, without properly notifying your Supervisor(s), on the following dates:

April 13, 2004

June 7, 2004

June 21, 2004

July 16, 2004

Unexplained absenteeism is detrimental to the Company and puts increased pressure on your co-workers to perform your duties while you are away. Please consider your co-workers in the future. Failure to do so will result in termination of your Employment Contract with the Company.


Derrick Isley,
Human Resources, Digital Imagery

It was Friday afternoon. I looked down at my desk, at the stack of papers all turning seven years old that day. I read the letter again. Someone had struck the whole page through with a red marker, and at the bottom they had written “N/A,” and below that, “DECEASED.” I read the whole thing over again. It seemed very cruel, but nothing could be done. I fed the letter into the shredder beside my desk.

I didn’t want to go out that night. Don told me I should – he said it would help me get over Nikki, that I had been weird lately, distant. I told him no, thanks, but I’d really rather stay in. I opened a bottle of wine with dinner, and left it out when I was done. Late in the evening, it started to rain, and water came in through the open window. I was starting to feel better. I got up to shut the window, and opened another bottle.
It got to be pretty late. I was lying in bed, tired, but not sleepy. My laptop was sitting on the nightstand, and I sat up and laid it across my legs. I checked and re-checked my email. Then, I went to Emily’s profile. There was a button below her picture. It said ‘Send Emily a Message’. I clicked it, and began,

You don’t know me…we’ve never met in person. I wish that we had, though, even just once. I think we might have liked one another. I’m a lot like you. It feels weird saying that, but it’s true. We like the same things. We like the same bands. Your friends still post on your Wall, even though they know you won’t answer. I think you get more posts than me. I guess that says something. Anyways, sometimes, one of them will find an old picture of you, and put it online. They tag you in it, and people comment on your pictures. It’s like nothing is different. I think that shows how much they care about you. Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Take care.”

My legs were warm where the laptop had been sitting on them. I had felt strange at first, writing the thing, but reading it back to myself I began to feel pretty good about it. I pressed ‘Send’.
‘We’re sorry, something went wrong. Please try again later.’
‘OK,’ I clicked, then ‘Send’.
‘We’re sorry, something went wrong. Please try again later.’
‘Oh, Hell,’ I thought, and clicked ‘Refresh’. The browser took me back to my news feed, not to Emily’s profile like it was supposed to. I went back to the search bar, and typed ‘Emily Vaughn image’.
‘Sorry, no matches were found.’
I was starting to understand, though I didn’t want to admit it. I searched again.
‘Sorry, no matches were found.’
I tried again, and again and again. She would not come back to me. I looked at my watch. It was nine minutes past midnight. Emily had been dead now for seven years and one day. That meant that no one had accessed her account in seven years and one day. I understood perfectly well now. Emily had expired. I shut the laptop and got under the blankets, and for a long time I listened to the sounds of the city and the rain.

When the Going Gets Weird… (Conclusion)

*Originally posted April 27, 2009*

Madness. A determined and frenetic madness was now washing over me. Or maybe not. Surely, I felta little crazy, and after all, you can’t actually be crazy if you feel like you are… Joe Heller taught us that. By this time of the night, I was fully aware that what I was doing was hazardous, silly, and most likely to end in disaster. This sort of trip runs a very high risk of self-destruction. As I ran out of Toad in the Hole, dodging carloads of drunks like some real-life game of Frogger, this truth became increasingly obvious.

And while I’m on the topic, I find that when one is engaging in this sort of weird journey, it’s important to have friends on the alert, so they might contact the Proper Authorities if you happen go missing the next day. In the early hours of Saturday morning, I had several good friends calling and texting just to make sure I was still alive and kicking. I’d like to take the opportunity now to thank all of them here. You know who you are, and it was really, very sweet of you.

After a few minutes waiting in some transit shelter, a bus comes lumbering up the avenue, and I shuffle on board. Frost drips from my beard onto the floor as I speak with the driver.
“Hi there, do you know where to get off for Shannon’s Irish Pub?”
“Shannon’s. It’s a bar, right on this street somewhere.”
“I don’t know man, I just drive the bus.”
Something about the phrase makes me laugh aloud. It really sums the moment up nicely.
“You and me both, man.”
“You’re doing a great job, by the way. Really, you’re the best of your kind…”

I make my way to one of the seats. No problems here, I think. I’ll just ask around the bus, someone has to know where this bar is. I observe the surroundings. Two homeless men (that is, homeless by all appearances and aromas) are passed out in the back, and an Indian man and woman are sitting nearby. I sit beside the man and woman, making sure to wait for a block to pass before addressing them, to avoid seeming desperate. Which, by this point, I am.

“Excuse me, but do you know which stop is closest to Shannon’s?”
Christ, did everyone in this town suddenly stop drinking?
“Shannon’s Irish Pub. I’m supposed to be there right now, but…well, I’m not. Could you help me out?”

Neither of them knows what or where I’m talking about, and I realize that I’ve been getting that a lot lately… Still, they are friendly and try as best they can to help. Fine by me. I’m not used to relying on the help of strangers, and tonight I have been heavily reliant on many of them…and all have been happy to help so far. I believe it’s some karmic coincidence. I always give plenty of change to panhandlers (even if I ask that they spend it on cheap liquor)… The Indian woman jerks me out of my train of thought.
“Why don’t you ask these folks getting on?” she says, “They’re young, they should know.”

I turn around and onto the bus walks…Her. You know Her. She is the archetypal beauty. The golden standard to which all women are compared. The Perfect 10. I never even knew she existed until she walked onto that bus…She had always been a creation of the imagination, something drawn together and made up of only the most beautiful features. Of course, everybody’s got their own variation on Her, but for me She’s slender, taller than most girls, with deep blue eyes, pert C-cup breasts, soft pale skin, her hair down in loose curls…

And of course, She’s a brunette.

Talking to strange women isn’t a problem for me, especially when discussing such mundane topics as ‘Where-The-Fuck-Am-I-Going? …But then again, this was Her! She was wearing a black coat and lipstick. Not a very dark red, mind you, just enough to draw your eye to her lips. Two guys board the bus with her and sit on either side of her, but clearly neither of them is romantically linked to Her. Both of them probably made a move on Her at some point, but got shot down and decided they’d try again after being Just Friends with her for a while. Poor Damn Fools. Meanwhile, I am inches away from being confused with one of the homeless gentlemen in the back of the bus. Not one of my better moments. The point is, I had a hard time even getting up the nerve to open my mouth, and when I did, the words came out funny.

“Scuse me, uhhh…hi. Listen, I was just wondering if, uh…do you know when I should get off for Shannon’s?”
“Uhhhh, well Shannon’s… it’s this Irish pub somewhere on Pembina. My friend is having hi-”
She cuts me off, “There’s no Shannon’s on Pembina. You mean Dylan’s?”
“What? No, uhh…no, no I’m pretty sure it was Shannon’s…”
Where the hell am I even going? I think while my words trail off. Is this even the right night? Is it possible that when I get to…to wherever I’m trying to go, no one else will be there? A million million doubts set in.
“The only Shannon’s in town is the one at the convention centre.”
“Well, yeah, but I thought maybe they had like a…”
She cuts me off again, saying, “You want Dylan O’ Connors, its right before the stop at Bishop Grandin. It’s big, there’s a big sign in front, you can’t miss it.”
And she knows her bars, too! The bus slows down, She stands up, the two boys following her to the door. Looks like our time is up.
“Well, uhh…Thanks. Yeah, okay, but…hey wait! I mean, ah…wuh-what’s your name?”
She turned and looked at me and smiled…I tried to smile back, but it must have looked pretty pitiful. Then She said to me, in that soft, sweet voice, she said,
“Have a nice night.”
…And stepped off the bus, her boys in tow.

That was it. I met my dream girl, and she wouldn’t even give me her name. That didn’t bother me as much as it probably should have…after all, this is one of those way, way way-off nights. I don’t believe I would think as highly of her if she gave guys like that a shot. No, what bothered me more than anything was the smile she gave me, just before she walked off. Something was wrong with it. Her mouth twisted up like mouths should in a smile, but there was nothing in her eyes to give evidence that she was, in fact, smiling. There was no emotion, no…life in this smile. And suddenly, it occurred to me that I had seen that smile before. It was plastered on the faces of all the drivers, all the salesmen, all the bartenders, all the people who serve my food and handle my money, the dealers at Regent and the doormen and coat checkers…they all had that same expression that come close to showing happiness, but had no real spirit behind it. They all had on that same Hollow Smile. And as I sat there, lost in my own head as the city streets whizzed by, something dawned on me. It struck me, with sudden and terrible clarity, that somewhere along the line, that smile had become my own.

*  *  *

I decide to call Paul one more time while standing on the street facing Dylan O’ Connors, just to make sure I’m at the right place. I start off cool and collected…
“Paul, where in the FUCK are you?”
“RAAHHWWWB!! Come here! You should be here right now!”
“Paul, listen to me, WHAT is the NAME of the BAR you are in?”
“We’re…we’re at the Tavern! COME TO THE TAVERN, ROB!”
“The Taver—where the hell is that? That’s not Shannon’s, it’s not Dylan’s, it’s—it’s not even Irish!”
“We were at Dylan’s! My friend, her birthday’s tonight too…so we came over here…”
“And where is ‘here’, Paul?”
“We’re right next door. When you get to Dylan’s you’ll see it.”
I turn around and look across the street, and sure enough, THE TAVERN UNITED sign looks back at me.
“…See you soon.” I hang up on Paul, one final time for the night.

An overdue sense of elation sets in as I walk through the doors of the Tavern. I collapse into a booth next to Paul, and he introduces me to some of the other revelers. Among them is the girl I had called for a ride from the Club Regent. Let’s call her ‘Maria’. She and I are the only sober people here, and while we have never met before, when she tells me that Paul never called her about giving me a ride, I believe her. There’s also ‘Ivan’, the only person in the party able to rival Paul’s B.A.C. He is overjoyed to see me, which is odd considering I don’t know him whatsoever. Drunks can be the friendliest people. They can also be the loudest, crudest, angriest, funniest, and/or most likely to destroy public property. I am glad to be in their company again, especially one like Ivan.

“Last call!” cries the bartender, not five minutes after I walked through the door. I check the time; it’s almost two in the morning. The waitress walks up to the table, drops the bill and smiles – that Hollow Smile – before turning to walk back toward the bar. Paul takes one look at the tab and starts shouting.

“There’s no fucking way I’m paying this!” he bawls. The waitress stops and turns around. I shoot her my own little Hollow Smile to let her know that Paul is being taken care of. She turns back around, and I check the tab. It’s in the triple digits. This seems a teensy bit high, considering the bulk of the party’s drinking was done across the street…

Indeed, the bill is higher than it ought to be. The Birthday Girl, who convinced Paul and his party to switch bars, had been ordering rounds of Jose Cuervo like this was Tijuana all night. She wrapped herself around the porcelain shortly after Paul arrived. It took one of her friends on either side to carry her to a car. When the Birthday Girl left, her friends quietly snuck off with her, stiffing Paul, Ivan, Maria and the rest for the bill. The joke’s on her, I think to myself, I couldn’t even pay for this if I wanted to!

Paul continues making it known to everyone in the bar that he is not going to pay his tab. I tell him to quiet down before he draws the waitress again. Time for an escape plan.
“Listen,” I whisper, “we’re getting out of here now. Okay? You leave cash for the drinks you had. Then we’re gonna get up, and very quietly! — we’re gonna walk out the door. Got it?”
Paul nods, and we slide out either side of the booth. Then Ivan gets his first look at the bill, and the shouting starts all over again.
“We aren’t gonna pay this fucking tab!” he roars.
“I KNOW!” answers Paul.
“Shut up!” I hiss.
The waitress comes back to the table. Our party occupies two separate booths, and somehow we convince the waitress that Paul and Ivan are trying to explain that this bill is being paid by the othertable. She walks over to that table, and they start trying to explain all about the Birthday Girl and Jose Cuervo and Drinking and Dashing. A stack of change begins piling up on the table as they all chip in for their drinks, but still no sign of payment for the tequila. The waitress is getting more and more insistent by the moment. Indeed, she should be. If nobody pays this tab, it comes out of her paycheck.

One by one, Ivan, Paul and I go up behind the waitress, reach around her, across the table, and drop change for the drink fund; my contribution amounts to roughly sixteen cents. My cash resources are now completely exhausted…but just as I had planned, they were exhausted at the party, which was a victory in itself. I grab Paul by the shoulder, turn him around, and start heading for the door. Ivan takes the cue – I think he may have done this sort of thing before…
At two in the morning, the three of us burst out into the cold air of Manitoba in springtime. Leaving the bar with Paul on my right and Ivan to my left, both of them staggering and laughing and shouting at the night sky, I break into a smile which has not crossed my lips in a very long time. Maria, our Designated Driver, our savior, walks out of the Tavern and the three of us make our way to her car.

“Rob, I’m glad you came, man.”
“Wouldn’t miss this for the world, Paul.”
He looks at me and sees the fat, stupid grin I have on my face, and breaks out in one of his own.
The four of us duck into the car and Maria pulls out of the parking lot, back onto Pembina Avenue, and drives off into the early hours of a Saturday morning in early March.

“I’d been wondering, all week, why I was feeling so low and out of sorts…but it never occurred to me that a giant leech had been sucking blood out of the base of my spine all that time; and now the goddamn thing was moving up towards the base of my brain, going straight for the medulla…

…I would have to do two things immediately: First, deliver the sermon that had been brewing in my brain all week long, and then rush back into the room and write my lead…

…Or maybe write my lead first, and then deliver the sermon. In any case, there was no time to lose. The thing was about a third of the way up my spine now, and still moving at good speed…

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

Who said that?”
-Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing at the Super Bowl.

When the Going Gets Wierd… (Part Three)

*Originally posted April 13, 2009*

Oh the passenger,
He rides and he rides,
He looks through his window,
What does he see?
He sees the bright and hollow sky,
He see the stars come out tonight,
He sees the city’s ripped backsides,
He sees the winding ocean drive,
And everything was made for you and me,
All of it was made for you and me,
Cause it just belongs to you and me,
So lets take a ride and see whats mine…

-Iggy Pop, The Passenger

I started smoking about five weeks ago. National Non Smoking Week came around, and I figured it was as good a time as any to start. I bought my first pack – Benson & Hedges, Black – a Zippo lighter with faux-antique finish and an FDR-style cigarette holder. Real classy stuff. If you’re going to get yourself involved in a toxic habit, you might as well do it right. It’s strange…I’ve sold or given away more cigarettes than I have smoked myself. I only ever smoke when there’s someone around to see it, or when lighting up a smoke would compliment the scenery. For example, when you no longer have any money, when you’re stranded on foot in an unfamiliar section of town…when you’re leering sideways at a glittering casino marquis, about to just start walking down the street because there’s nothing else you can do…well, this is a perfect time to light a cigarette, and that’s exactly what I did.

In fact, it’s a perfect time to have two. This feels like as good a time to start chain smoking as ever. I decide to stop for a minute. I sit down in a bus shelter on Nairn Avenue, reach into my breast pocket, and find the crushed pack of cigarettes. I hold it between clasped fingers and bow my head, as if praying to some cancerous god. It’s at this point that I decide I cannot smoke this second cigarette, because this second cigarette is my last cigarette. This is all I have left.

The metal benches in the bus stop are heated. Nairn Avenue is a busy enough street that there’s a full bus shelter on this corner. I am dressed for the cold: a full winter jacket, with gloves and a hat tucked away in my backpack.
‘Maybe I should sleep here’, I think to myself, ‘It’s more comfortable than anywhere else I can get to. …Yes. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll just sit here for a while, and if everything feels right and nobody walks along, then I’ll just sort of lie down and drift off…’

You never leave a university on Friday evening to check out the nightlife suspecting that later on you’ll find yourself in a bus shelter, planning to stay the night. This was exactly the situation I found myself in. My plan to spend the night would have fallen into place then and there, had I not been interrupted by some other late night traveler. A lanky, Asian boy in his teens wearing a red striped toque and skinny jeans entered the shelter. I found his intrusion on my sleeping arrangements unpleasant, and we sat together in silence for a few minutes. This was not a good time for idle chatter.

On the avenue, a white sedan pulls up to the stop line, it’s factory-standard speakers blasting what should be a throbbing bass line. A girl opens up the rear passenger door and leans out, vomiting. The others — one guy and one girl — sitting in the car laugh hysterically, and she pulls herself back inside. Several seconds pass. The light is still red. The voices in the car grow loud, louder than the tinny bass of the speakers, becoming angry and frantic. The rear passenger door opens again, and this time the girl jumps out and bolts down the sidewalk. I notice that she is barefooted. The girl and guy in the car scream after her, ordering her to get back in the vehicle. The light turns green. Instead of changing lanes and chasing the barefooted girl up the street, they just drive straight ahead. Both the car and the girl soon disappear into the night, and will play no further part in this narrative.

Both the Asian boy in skinny jeans and I witness this event, though neither of us breaks the silence in the shelter. It will be a few more minutes before we speak to each other.
“Excuse me,” I ask, “but do you know how much the full fare is? I uhhh…I left my bus pass at home.”
“Yeah, it’s two thirty.”
I rifle through my pockets, pretending to search for change. I already know damn well how much I have; forty six cents on the nose. Still, for some reason it feels better to double check it.
“Aw, damn…” I mumble a little too loudly, “Look, uh, I’m sorry, but do you have a few quarters? I’m a little short.”
“Oh, yeah, sure man, uhh…how many?”
“Like …like, eight quarters, I’d say.”
The kid looks at me, and something registers in his eyes. Is it Pity? Not quite, there is a smirk on his face, as if he’s just figured something out. Good for him. He hands me a toonie (too much change for quarters), and I am more than happy to board the very next bus, grabbing a transfer just in case. I suppose now I can proudly add Panhandler to my list of skill sets. The beard helps, I think.

The bus is headed downtown. Since I don’t know the address, or even the name of the bar I am headed to, I decide it is time for a backup plan. My friend Elise, I remember, has an apartment downtown, she can give me a place for the night. I call her at 12:47 AM, but hear only bar noise and static, then the call gets dropped. Three minutes later, she calls me back.

“Hi Rob, what’s up?”
“Long story, Elise. Listen, I was wondering if I could crash at your place tonight.”
“Oh! Oh, ummm…yeah. Yeah, well I –”
Heavy static in my ears. Elise’s voice is being drowned out, and I begin to yell into the receiver.
“Hey, Elise?! Where are you?”
“I’m at Toad in the Hole. Come down here, we can–”
“Great, thanks, see you!” Hang up.

It was now time, being comfortably settled in a bus and headed for my new destination, to take stock of the evening. Several images flashed through my mind — sitting at the cafeteria table, plotting out my night, my first sight of the Club Regent marquis…the faces in the casino, action at the tables, walking away from Club Regent, begging for change…

*  *  *

There are times when the events of one night and the course of one’s life run together in haunting symmetry. The entirety of your life over the past few months – or years – crystallizes into a few hours. When I got out of high school, I made myself a lot of promises. I imagined myself as I wished I was, with all the qualities I did not have…the kind of invariably positive, magnetic qualities that everyone has in movies. I promised myself that I would soon be that person. University is, after all, where you’re supposed to go when you want to stop being such a stupid asshole and recreate yourself, and so it became my mission to improve every day. I imagined all my failures and flaws disappearing with time, and those newer, better qualities taking their place. I would be a newer, better Rob.

Long months passed, and this newer, better version of myself failed to appear. It was not terribly upsetting that I hadn’t somehow spontaneously become a better human being. To be honest, I didn’t really make much effort to get better anyways. Too busy. What was upsetting – and in the coming months, continued to grow more and more terrible – was the feeling that I wasn’t changing at all. Save for a few new friends and a heavier workload, university was one hell of a lot like high school. It wasn’t just me. Nobody else was changing either. All of us, everyone I knew, we were exactly as we had always been. My life, like those early mornings in winter, had become a constant struggle with The Grey. Each day offered the same rote routines, the same people, the same conversations, the same places…the same me. This is All There Is.

Escape. Escape became my only desire. Often, my longing to flee from routine conflicted with the task of university and my responsibilities to the people who got me there. Each and every time, those responsibilities won out, and I stayed on an even course. Still, deep down, some primal urge remained. The Escape Instinct. That was what sparked this whole evening, this now-failed experiment in independence. This night started out as a necessary reaffirmation that ,yes, I was alive and that yes, I was not prisoner to my own unnatural rhythms.

…And suddenly, here I am, on a bus headed downtown, abandoning my plan due to fatigue and lack of funds. A well deserved feeling of self-loathing and abject failure begins to sink in. Maybe the routine is good for me, I think. At least it keeps me out of trouble.

*  *  *

There is a line at Toad in the Hole Pub when I arrive, roughly one in the morning. The Doorman would be loathe to let me in at all if he knew that at that moment I was as poor as I looked. Eventually my backpack, my hobo beard, my last cigarette and I get inside. I find Elise at her table with some art school friends, and explain the happenstance.

“…Listen, I had a rough night. I was wondering if…I could crash at your place?”
“Yeah, well, um…there’s kind of a problem with that.”
“Whaddaya mean?”
“A guy who lives on my floor died last week.”
“And they only found him yesterday. The whole building smells like corpse.”
“Jesus shit!”
“You haven’t even smelt it. Why don’t you just stay with your brother? He’s got an apartment around here.”

Steve. My brother Steve had chosen this particular Friday afternoon to break up with his long-term girlfriend. Practically common-law by this point. It was not a good night to come knocking on the door of his fire escape, looking for a place to stay for the night. Surely he had his own shit to deal with, and I was more than happy to leave him to it. I dismiss Elise’s suggestion with grace and charm.

“Ehhh, I don’t wanna see that asshole right now. Can’t I just stay at your dead guy smellin’ apartment?”
“Well…I mean, I wasn’t gonna stay there tonight, I’m staying with friends…but if you need a place, we could go there. It’s up to you.”

I consider the options. I have a place for the night, if I choose to take it. It smells like dead body, but it’s a place. At the same time, by crashing at Elise’s, I’ll be ruining her decent night. I can’t do this, I think Elise is one of, if not the oldest friend I have. I can’t make her spend the night in some corpse-reek room on the top floor of a downtown apartment building. But… what other options do I have?

Some long-silent voice in the back of my mind springs into action and answers the question. Let it Roll.

Let it Roll?

Let it Roll.

Never mind the fact that I do not know where exactly Paul’s party is, or whether or not Paul and the rest of them are still there, or if I will have any other places to sleep tonight. In an instant, these have all become minor details in my mind’s eye. Let It Roll. I thank Elise for the offer, but tell her that I have a transfer bus I have to catch. I’ll be damned if I’m going to bail out now, after everything that’s happened, everything I’ve done to make it here. No…this story needs a proper ending, and I am determined to live it.

Another voice in my mind speaks up. “That’s the kind of thinking that left you penniless and scrounging for bus fare.”

Shut the fuck up, Reason, you’re never any fun. Next time I’m not inviting you.

My destination is somewhere along Pembina Avenue, I can sort out any other details along the way. Last call shouldn’t be for another half hour at least. A little grin spreads across my face, and I hum a tune to myself. I board the next southbound bus at the nearest corner.

…All of it was made for you and me,
Cause it just belongs to you and me,
So lets take a ride and see whats mine…

To be continued…

When the Going Gets Weird… (Part Two)

*Originally posted April 7, 2009*

“Let’s keep this party polite,
Never get out of my sight,
I know the way you’ve treated other guys you’ve been with,
Hey Luck, be a lady tonight!”

-Frank Sinatra, Luck be a Lady.

After eating a slice of pepperoni pizza with extra chili flakes, combined with a stop for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese or two, and walking across icy sidewalks for two hours, the first thing on anyone’s mind will be a good toilet. The time alone is important. Time to put yourself together. Gather your thoughts. The night is just starting, got to make plans. Calm yourself. Breathe deep – you’ve made it now. And indeed I had. Outside my stall, the casino buzzes.

One thing you notice, spending any serious time in gambling houses, is that the handicapped bathroom stalls get more traffic than any other facility. And why shouldn’t they? Chairs, canes, crutches, walkers – they litter the main lobbies and slot sections. In the wild, the first to be eaten are the weak and the sick. Casinos have everything a cripple – both the physical and emotional kind– needs. Video poker offers pure, uncut, lowest common denominator entertainment. Slot machines flash with hundreds of bright flickering lights, blaring sirens and bells, promising treasure and thrills…and that Big Win, always just one game away. Please Try Again. The slots are especially appealing because you only need one arm or stump to play them. You can sit right down, prop your crutches against the side of the glowing box, and play your night away. Club Regent even has a McDonalds built right into the lobby, next to the bathrooms (always a huge line). The entire casino is a glittering prison oasis. You’ll never have to leave.

I pull out $60 – a laughably small amount – from the ATM. There’s no ATM inside the casino of course, that would be irresponsibility on the casino’s behalf. You have to walk down one hallway, to the attached hotel complex and use their ATM. Sixty dollars bankroll will not bring me much cash even on a good night, but the small withdrawal also guarantees that the casino won’t bleed me out of cash tonight…

Back onto the floor, I find myself skirting a bingo tournament, the players surrounded by cheap slots. Ignore them all. Stare at the floor, blend, shuffle past these hollow people. Walk through the giant glass hallway/aquarium, stop to admire the fish. Emerge into a second pool of VLT’s, more bodies, and a talking animatronic pirate skeleton. I quicken my pace to avoid talking with the animatronic pirate skeleton. The last thing I need right now is to engage in forced small talk with a corpse. Besides, if I wanted to, they are in abundant supply this Friday night.

At last, I reach the card tables. Save for the bar, the only place I am comfortable in a casino is right here. Tables, at least, have a social atmosphere to them. There’s emotion at a table – drama, excitement, tension! And there are always familiar characters if you know what to watch for: the old drunk making side bets on every hand and mumbling to himself, packs of pimply-faced barely-legals asking the dealer what to do with their hands, the Filipino woman screaming “Lucky, lucky!” or “Monkey!” or “Big card!” on every hand…and then of course, there are kids like me. Kids with half a brain for numbers and some mad delusion that we can come out on top any time we want; get in, earn our money, and get out. Despite all the obvious evidence walking around the casino floor, something makes us think we have an edge…each time you walk out of the casino with enough extra cash to pay for your gas, your drinks – hell, anytime you earn more per hour than you would at your day job – you get a little more confident. Ignore the cripples losing life savings on the slots, and the drunken fuckhead playing roulette over in the corner. You are not like them.

The night progresses slowly. My bankroll gradually rises, settling at $110. I check my watch. Ten o’ clock. The party started an hour ago…better see what I can do about getting a ride to Paul’s birthday. I stand up, walk out to the lobby, and make the call.

“Paul? Rob. What’s up man?”
“Rob, why aren’t you here yet? The party started an hour ago.”
“I told you hours ago, I’m at the casino. I thought you could hook me up with a ride.”
“Oh, yeah, I can…um…this girl, this girl I know, she’s coming, she lives out there. She can give you a ride. I’ll call her first, lemme give you her number…”
“Great, see you soon.”

Hang up. Paul is now the ticking time bomb of my night. I have to rely on him to get the logistics of this evening all sorted out before tequila shots start coursing through his veins. I have major doubts about the plan so far. Still, I have a name, and a number to call for a ride. I call the number and…no answer.


Be patient. She’s gonna be here. Paul won’t let you down, he’s good people. I decide to wait it out at the casino a while longer. I can think of worse places to be forced to go camping. And since I’m here, and I’m still ten dollars short of doubling my bankroll…

Let it roll? Let it roll. I amble back to the tables.

My chip count goes down and up all night. Up, then down, then up, then down, and down, and finallygone. After a few hours of play, I get sloppy, can’t see the trends anymore. A bitter defeat. No matter, sixty dollars is not a lot of money. Career wise, I’m still in the green. Still, it does sting.

That is the nature of the Beast. She will tear off your skin if you give her the opportunity. Of course, some of us have a hard time swallowing our pride. We can’t go running off to nurse our wounds. No, for some of us, the only option is to come back in a month, or a week, or twelve hours, because wehad it. We were this close to that Big Win. Letting the Beast triumph now is completely out of the question, not to any self-respecting gambler. No, the Big Win is coming, and when it does you know that you are going to laugh in the face of your beaten and battered enemy…after just one more game…

…In Manitoba all the casinos are owned by the provincial government. The government also runs the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba. The AFM places big, government-funded booths about gambling addiction in the big, government-controlled casinos. Sometimes I wonder if guys from those two departments ever get together after work for drinks. I like to think they do.

I check my watch. Two hours have passed…wait, what? Two hours? How did that happen, and where the fuck is my ride? I get on the phone again.

“Paul! Did you call up that girl yet?”
”ROOOOOOOOOBBBBB!!!! WHY…why aren’t you here?”
“Because you told me to wait for a ride at the casino. That was hours ago. Did you call up that girl yet?”
“What? No, no, um…Rob, you have to come here. I want you to be here, ROB, I WA –”

Hang up. Paul is now an impenetrable wall of drunk. Continuing this conversation is going to be a waste of both our time. Better go back to the bank machine, pull out a little extra cash, see if I can get change for the bus.

The bank machine begins to take on the shape of a slot machine.
No…Okay, okay, it’s alright. You hit a cold streak, but you should be able to hit this next one.
“Come on, big win! Let me see the win!”
“Monkey! Monkey!”
Please Play Again.

Let’s recap our situation. I am standing at the coat check of Club Regent to claim a jacket and backpack. My personal assets now include one jacket, one backpack full of homework, two cigarettes, one Dr. Pepper, and fourty six cents in loose change. There is a party across town, too far to walk, especially now that the sun has set. Not enough change for bus fare. I step back into the cold air of early March, light the penultimate smoke and glance sideways at the glittering CLUB REGENT sign.Breath deep. I make my way back to Regent Avenue, and just keep walking that way, out to wherever, out from nowhere, my mind squirming.

To be continued…

When the Going Gets Weird… (Part One)

*Originally posted  March 28, 2009*

” It’s a hundred and six miles to Chicago. We’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses.”

– Elwood Blues, The Blues Brothers.

Losing your mind in a Mantioba winter is a distinct possibility. Within the Winnipeg city limits, there’s no real threat — always a good car theft or murder to keep the brain alert. It’s once you get beyond the Perimeter Highway, out to the small towns and farmhouses held hostage by nature 5 months out of the year, that the risk begins to rise. You see, twice every day – once in the morning and once at dusk – there is a moment when the sun lies just below the horizon. Snow covers every inch of the world, muting the already flat features of the praries. On a clear day, without any clouds in the sky, you can look out upon the earth, and you won’t be able to tell where the it ends and the sky begins. It all blends into a snowy, off-white (fuck, I’ll be honest, it’s grey) landscape as wide and far as you can see. It’s a truly amazing thing to time.

…But this is what a Manitoban wakes up to every morning (and sees before going to sleep) virtually every day for months on end! If one stops to think about the landscape too long, it will send a wave of panic through their whole nervous system. An awful, sickly feeling suddenly takes hold, a feeling that the whole world might be like this — that This is All There Is. This freezing, bleak, unending Grey blanket.

The feeling soon fades away. Of course, the whole world can’t be like this, can it? The thought was foolish. And then you look out again, out at where you think the horizon must be, content in the knowledge that soon this god-awful season will be over and you will still be there. You will have lived through another winter in Manitoba, your mind still intact.

The first Friday of March happened to begin with one such dawn, and after my morning battle with The Grey, things picked up a little. Plans were made. ‘Paul’, a friend of mine, was having his 20th birthday party that night in the city, and damned if I was going to miss it. After a few text messages, it was obvious to me that Paul was way too high for one in the afternoon. My requests for details about the party were met with incoherent, semi-functional responses it what must have been English. But it was after all his birthday, and he could do what he wanted. Eventually I got the details for the night straightened out to a suitable level, and went back to class. That was all. Just another night on the town, nothing more, nothing less.

The party didn’t start until 9:00, and my classes were all finished by 2:30. Living in one of those small towns I mentioned earlier, getting back into the city that evening would have been a pain in the ass. The only sensible option was to stay in Winnipeg. But where to go, what to do? The university was dead, emptied out for the weekend. Go see a movie? ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ is not a good flick to see alone, I’m sure. Shop a little? I already own enough T-shirts, and there aren’t too many holes in most of them. And then, like lightning, the answer came to me. I remember sitting at a cafeteria table with friends.

“Hey guys, I think I’m gonna walk to Club Regent.”
“It’s snowing out.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Rob, Regent is miles away. You aren’t gonna walk there.”
“Wanna bet?”
“No. You’re already planning on walking to a casino, you don’t need any help with the gambling problem.”

I suppose I had to let that one slide. At this point, by all appearances, I could pass as an addict. My eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and from hours poring over papers and assignments. A thin, mangy beard was spreading across my face, a result of a misguided bet that I would not shave over the course of Lent. So far so good. All that was needed now to complete the gambler facade was a mad, obsessive urge to bet.

But gambling was not the objective here. If it were, I would be at the roulette table right now rather than in front of a writing desk telling this story. Planning to walk – not take a cab or bus, but walk – for miles to reach a gambling house on the other side of town, even though other casinos are far closer, is not the behaviour of a hopeless gambler. No, the end goal here was not money or strongly mixed cocktails. It was nothing tangible of concrete. The end goal was the journey itself. Nothing can righteously describe why I chose to make the pilgrimage that night. The impulse must be felt to be understood. It had something to do with being told I wouldn’t or couldn’t, and with the slight risk that the journey entailed. But it mostly had to do with the fact that nothing particularly interesting had happened in a very long time. The walk would make for a decent story if anything, something to shake myself from the rut I had gotten into.

So, at 4:30 in the afternoon, I find directions to Club Regent on Google Maps, and set out. I consider stopping in for a nice dinner at a halfway decent restaurant, but time is of the essence. I settle for pizza at the Portage Place food court. Not that great, but it doesn’t matter. A panhandler begs me for change, and I drop him a couple bucks. Hopefully he spent it on something worthwhile, like booze.

Half an hour passes. I begin to doubt the advice of Google Maps. Snow sculptures of toques with legs sticking out of them adorn the streets, many half melted and crumbling. There is something strange and unfamiliar about this place. Doubt sets in. Was this really the way I meant to go? I text ‘Micheal’, a friend who is by now riding on a crowded bus back into Selkirk.

Rob (5:01): “I’m beginning to think walking alone across town was a bad choice”
Mike (5:02): “No really”
Rob (5:15): “All the signs are in French here”
Mike (5:25): “Nice”
Rob (5:25): “Yup Yup Yup”
Mike (5:26): “Dude you have made a huge mistake”
Who, me? Rob Holt? Never.
Mike (5:27): “You are not going to get there”

That remark was the Point of No Return for my evening. It was all the motivation I needed to press onward. Somehow the knowledge that someone did not expect me to see this through made it all the more important that I keep going. To turn back now would be to admit failure, to settle with what I already had – and right then, all I had was The Grey. I would not, could not allow it to win, because beyond that horizon, there is something else. There must be.

I walked into a gas station, spotted the map kiosk, picked up the downtown Winnipeg section and replotted my route. All the while, a French-speaking teen boy with the unfortunate task of working the till kept staring at me. No doubt he was silently hoping that this chilly, bearded Drifter-Looking-Type wasn’t going to make off with any of the store’s precious contents. I flashed the kid a smile, all teeth, before walking out. His eyes followed me out the door.

A similar scene unfolded nearly two hours later. Having taken two wrong turns and walking for miles up and down Lagimodiere without realizing it was the wrong street, the sun had now set. The temperature was now steadily falling. I trudged into a Sobey’s, hoping they might have a map or two. Surely enough, there at the customer service desk, there was another kiosk just like at the gas station. My fingers, numb with cold, fumbled to open it. It fell out of my hands, and I squatted down to pick it up. When I looked up, I saw a young girl working the till in front of me. Our eyes met, and while I tried to smile, there was a definite look of suppressed disgust on her face. I recognized it as an expression I would reserve for hated relatives or noisy drunks. It was a look of masked contempt, and I really can’t blame her for bringing it out. Ice had built up in my sparse beard, and was now melting and trickling down my chin. I shivered, fumbled and breathed heavily, unable to feel my fingers or even grasp a map. I looked and felt like a wreck, and she undoubtedly sensed that. She wanted to know if I was a threat, whether she should contact the police immediately or just let me wander like a lost child through the aisles for a while before leaving of my own accord. It was not one of my prouder moments. I used the customer bathroom, ran some hot water over my numb hands, bought a Dr. Pepper, and knowing now where I had to get, exited. No hassles, but no big, fake, friendly “We Appreciate Your Business” smiles either.

Seven fourty five. After three hours of walking (two and a half without seeing a single person on the sidewalk), an array of flickering lights peeks out from behind the dark silhouette of a building. In bright white lights, there it is — CLUB REGENT. I have triumphed over the elements, the city’s poor street planning, and common sense to make it to this place. A sense of triumph sets in. I fire off a few quick “Just-So-You-Know-I’m-Still-Alive” texts.

One person replies, “Oh my god. I’m glad you didn’t die”.
Micheal responds, “Dude”.
Yet another answers, “Holy shit…Was it worth it?”

Let’s find out. The night is still young, and the tables are calling. I pause a moment, lick my lips, shiver one last time in the Manitoba cold, and step inside.

To be continued…

We Are All Diseased.

*Originally posted July 14, 2008*

Three weeks ago, I woke up to a message on the answering machine from my brother. It went something like this…

“Hi Rob, listen…George Carlin died today. He was 71. Just thought you’d wanna know…alright, take care.”

Since then I’ve been trying to find words that could possibly sum up a man like Carlin, only to find I have none. There are no words. There is no tribute. There is only what he has left us to remember, and to study.

I first heard George Carlin perform when I was 11 years old. “Jammin’ in New York” was playing on The Bravo! Network. This was, of course, before ‘Bravo!’ became the wretched sperm-bank of cable television. Here was this balding hippie, then aged 55, who absolutely commanded my attention. I didn’t give two shits about the Gulf War, but that didn’t stop me from tearing up laughing when George talked about it. From that point on, I was hooked: George Was Comedy.

In grade 9, I found a copy of Carlin’s ‘Napalm & Silly Putty’ at a Brandon bookstore. Usually you can tell the ethical content of a book by where it’s placed on store shelves. ‘Napalm & Silly Putty’ was placed in a small ‘alternative humor’ section, sandwiched between two racks of Japanese toon porn collections with unpronounceable names. As I walked up to the register, one of the two cashiers stopped to inform me that nothing in that section of the store was for sale to minors. We started arguing and the other cashier approached, likely planning to help her kick me out of the store. He looked down at the book in my hands and smiled. Without a word, he walked back to the till and rang up the purchase.

I suppose the first cashier was right to try and stop me. George was subversive in a society that still needs more traitors. He couldn’t open his mouth without pissing somebody off, but far more important than that, he was always Right whenever he did. He rode along in the back of the police wagon when Lenny Bruce was arrested for obscenity, and took the ride solo for the ‘Seven Dirty Words’. He represents all that is insidious, dangerous, and corrosive to our society, and for that we will be forever indebted to him.

In the grand scheme of things, Carlin’s death will receive less coverage than those of truly important people, like Jerry Falwell, Heath Ledger, or Anna Nicole Smith. His life and story will quickly fall by the wayside of the mainstream, and that’s exactly how he’d want it. But to me, Carlin was the last living childhood hero, and his passing signals the conclusion of something in my life. Exactly what is hard to say. But what must begin now in the post-Carlin world is equally mysterious and far more urgent.

“When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western Civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.”

Thank you, George, for everything. It’s up to us now.



Those words, scrawled in bright yellow letters across my friend Bryan’s T-shirt, sent scowls through a maximum capacity crowd gathered in the theatre. Early in the first semester of 2007, an “Undergraduate Awards Evening” was planned for top-grade students to celebrate their Outstanding Achievements. It was the sort of evening where parents could sit together and compare notes on their children’s success. A collective pat-on-the-back for teachers, school administrators, parents and – least of all – students with not much else to do in early October.

I sat in the middle of this Business Casual crowd, clad in black suit and tie, a fedora, and a broken pocket watch. Bryan sat two seats down. He was unshaven and unkempt, with dirty blonde hair and even dirtier blue jeans. Members of the crowd who lacked a sense of humour seethed silently. To them, Bryan’s dress and manner showed a complete lack of respect for the institution of the Honour Roll.

In fact, Bryan was there to accept an award for Excellence in Mathematics, and his marks are some of the best in not only the school, but likely the country. The Evening had been planned for him, after all, and he was going to enjoy it in his own way…and so was I, although my mockery was somewhat less obvious. He was a thumb in their eye, and I was a feather in their cap.

*  *  *

Welcome to the Comp. It’s cold in the winter and hot in the summer. Typical of any high school, it is a bizarre collection of upper-class Hillbillies, Stoners, Preps, Drunks, Brains, Jocks, Geeks, Freaks, and a variety of other Doomed People. More importantly, the Comp is a massive, intricate network of money and people and books which has been given the seemingly impossible task of preparing every student for life after high school.

Basically, what that means is that at some point in their three years at the Comp, a student will be called into the guidance counselor’s office, sat down, and asked very politely, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Indeed, it’s assumed that by age 17, a kid should know how they want to spend their next fifty years.


…The first encounter I had with The Question came one sunny spring morning last year. I walked into a counselor’s office to talk about changing my timetable, when The Question was popped.

“So, tell me, Robert, what do you want to be?”
“Well…what are your plans for the future?” “Plans?” I said, “What plans?”
“I mean, do you intend to go to university, or college, or…”
“Right, umm…actually, I was planning on going to university.”
“Great! Now, what fields of study are you interested in? What kind of career are you looking at?”
“My God,” I thought, “Here it comes.”

I listed off every possible career I could think of. I told the counselor I wanted to study law, or education, or writing or aviation or physics and maybe train as a welder, too. Most careers I listed were nowhere near what I was considering job-wise, but that didn’t matter. In the end, none of this information changed my timetable, but it did nicely answer the counselor’s questions. Unfortunately, people keep asking me The Question, so often that now, whenever I hear it, I instinctively answer, “How should I know?”

Over the past year, I’ve seen that uncertainty isn’t just my problem. It’s almost everyone’s. While a good number of people I talk to have some sort of plan for the future, few are overly enthusiastic. The careers they’ve decided on aren’t careers they’re passionate about, but more or less a way topay the bills. And for them, that’s all that matters right now…

Here’s the deal. It scares me to think that somewhere along the line, someone somewhere has replaced The Question…

…with the much less important question…

At some point, the two became identical for a lot of people. For them, wherever they work and whatever they do, that’s who they are: they become their jobs. The purpose of high school is to prepare them for Higher Learning, which prepares them for a steady, high-powered job, which prepares them to raise a family, and if they don’t die of stress-related heart failure, they can finally retire somewhere sunny and out-of-the-way.

It’s my belief that people who think this way at age 17 should be hung up by their ankles and fed to savage dogs. These are the same kind of people who only truly begin enjoying life at the age of 75; when their RRSP kicks in and they’re too fragile to do anything but fart around all day. And usually, at that point in their lives, farting around is the most enjoyable thing going for them.

*  *  *

…There’s a feeling of absolute panic and disorder that comes when a person can’t immediately recognize where they are. The easiest way to experience it is to go find some strange place to crash for the night. It doesn’t matter where you go – house party, friend’s place, a filthy ditch – just find somewhere alien. When a person can’t immediately rationalize where they are or why, their brain will try every combination of theories and ideas and wild guesses to make sense of the situation. That’s where we see ourselves now, I think: all gripped by that murky, nervous feeling of waking up in The Unknown. Some people seem powerless to deal with this lack of direction, and others thrive in the chaos…

Back to my point…We are collectively reaching a turning point in our lives, each and every one of us. Right now, we all have nearly limitless possibilities: in fact, more possibilities than we may have ever again. However we are all being coaxed – and in some cases, forced – to start limiting our options, to start picking a clear path to our futures. And to a few, including me, nothing on Earth could be more terrifying.

If I can say anything to the Grads of ‘08 (and apparently I can because I’m in the paper and you’re still reading), I ask that we all make an effort to always remember the core function of education: to prepare every student for life after school. Whatever any of us chooses to do in order to pay the bills, it should never conflict with who we are, and who we strive to be. And if you want to be a thumb in the eye of Old Wisdom, feel more than free to do so. A person’s image of what they want to be may make their life worth living, but it’s the moments when we challenge convention – like Bryan that cold, windy, nervous night in October – that make our lives truly Outstanding.

Now, get out there and make some bad decisions. I know I will.



Bad Advice from a Bad Man (Part Two)

*The second of my high-school advice columns, published on Valentine’s Day.*


*  *  *

Dear Badman,
There’s this guy who’s been stalking me on Facebook for a while now, and I’m worried. He recently started approaching me at school and trying to start conversations about the stuff on my profile. Last week, he showed up at my job and I had to hide in the back for a half hour until he left. What should I do?
Freakin’ Freaked!

Dear Freakin’ Freaked,
First off, relax. This is 2008, and dating has changed. Think of stalking like the new version of taking a girl to the malt shop to split a milkshake. Clearly, you’re just confused about the whole situation, but that’s why I’m here. Here’s what you do:

  1. Find out where he lives.
  2. Wait for the place to get empty
  3. Sneak into his bedroom. Ignore the fact that all your photos from Facebook have been photocopied, and put up in his room. Totally normal.
  4. Write your name in ketchup (or similar goopy substance) all over said walls.
  5. Repeat as necessary or when you’re bored.

Congratulations! You’re now in a mutual stalker relationship. And if your actions mean he loses interest (or files a restraining order)…it was never meant to be.

Dear Badman,
I think I’ve found the girl of my dreams. She’s funny, smart, attractive, honest…I mean, I honestly think she’s the one. I’ve had a few ideas, but I thought maybe you’d be able to help…how should I propose to her?

Dear Romeo…
Actually, you know what? Your name isn’t really Romeo. That’s a stupid thing to call yourself. Seriously. I’m gonna call you Ricky instead.

*  *  *

Dear Ricky,

Sure, I can help, that’s why I’m here. Listen, if you want to know how to propose to a girl, the first rule is DON’T. What you REALLY want to do is make her feel as special as if you just proposed to her, without her wanting to say “yes” and get you stuck in a 23-year-long marriage that will eventually end in a messy divorce when she takes the kids and half your stuff…probably. How do we do that? I’m glad I asked!

Go out this weekend, take her someplace fancy, someplace exotic…like the Olive Garden. Halfway through the entrée, stand up slowly. Get down on one knee beside her chair, and take her hand. Try to make your eyes water up a little, chicks dig guys who cry a lot. Then, say these exact words, EXACTLY as I tell you…

“Listen toots. We’ve been together a while now, two months to be exact…and I want to move our relationship to the next level. That’s why I wanted to ask…if you would be my maid. I want to have you clean my dishes for me, and make my dinner every night. I want you to pick up my dry-cleaning, and not nag me as much as you do now. I want you to grow old and flabby and saggy with me. I want to wake up next to you every morning, so you can make me breakfast and bring me the newspaper the way my dog used to. Whaddaya say, my little chubby bunny?”

If at all possible, fart loudly during your proposal. Then when you’re done, give her a DustBuster. You’re very, very welcome.

Bad Advice from a Bad Man (Part One)

*This was a column I wrote for my high school newspaper. I’d like to sincerely thank my high school English teachers for letting me get away with this. Twice.*


*  *  *

Dear BadMan:

I have this boyfriend of mine, and I think he’s cheating on me. Even worse, I think it might be with my best friend! I don’t want to lose either of them. What should I do?


Dearest HELP!, if that is your real name,

What people in your situation often forget is how incredibly funny teen dramas can be for those not involved. The key is to keep things fresh, with new characters and problems all the time. In your case, I suggest calling your best friend late at night in tears, and telling her you just found out your boyfriend gave you Herpes. A LOT of Herpes. More forms of Herpes than there are letters in the alphabet. Sit back and watch all the socially awkward fun roll in!

Hoping you didn’t actually get Herpes,

Dear Badman:

My parents split up 2 months ago, and they’re allready seeing other people. Is there anything I can do to bring them back together? I feel like this is all my fault.

Guilty Conscience

Dearest Guilty Conscience,

You don’t need to tell me you think it’s “all your fault”, I know. It’s ALL your fault. Your parent’s divorce, that terrible family vacation, your kid sister’s birth, long lines at McDonalds, smallpox, the 1972 Olympics, JFK getting shot, Avril Lavigne, people who use the word “Funderful”, and Darfur. You want my advice?

Drop dead.

Dear Badman,

I recently felt a weird lump in my breast. Should I be concerned, or is this no big deal?

Worry Girl

Worry Girl,

To quote my therapist mentor, Dr. Phil, “You have a serious problem!”. In fact, it has been widely documented that early screening is the number one preventative measure against breast cancer (aside from not having breasts). It’s in this spirit that I announce the opening of the Badman Centre for Breast Cancer Screening. This esteemed (fake) institution employs top medical professionals (anybody), dedicated (sorta) to the extermination of breast cancer (rounding second base). But without your help, there can be no cure.

Best of Luck!